What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 06:03
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He knew the spot.
What did i know ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
How can someone in your family purposely try to destroy your reputation?
I think the readers, may guess!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I don,t even have a pension.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do diabetic people sweat so much?
And i lived it daily.
One cannot live in the past .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
How many wishes do people get on their birthday?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She married twice! .
How often do you watch the news on TV?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I said to her
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was seconnd youngest,
I write beautiful poetry .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I will be 64.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were not on the streets..
This is soul school!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
All the time i was locked up.
She was in good health!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She found it foreign!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I have no regrets .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Put me off passion for life!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She wouldn,t have been !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Would this be the day?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was 9 years of age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Who then, do I blame.?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We all went to grammer schools
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But ive been too sick for many years..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it wasn’t much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Comes on , in middle age.
I was very sick at this time too.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I waited trembling.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im still living with it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It was going to be , some day.
So whats the point in blame.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But, we were locked up after school.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My family never makes their pension either.
Ive learnt so much.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My life is so biszare .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.